Fear

Have you ever wake up with fear?

So fear that you just dont feel like waking up and face the day.

I thought I was brave enough. Or I wasnt wise enough to settle things as I thought I could.


He took my book and he hasnt return it. Should I go find him? How can I trust him easily? He should have professionalism right? I couldnt find him online. Sigh. My fault. Learn my lessons.

Really tired

Really tired. I dont know where the tiredness come from
Seriously life has gone way too complicated. How can it happen? Why?  I didnt ask why for myself. I asked why for the others. I feel so bad. HOw can this happen to her? She is such a nice person. She is hardworking. She studied really hard, more than anyone else.

I am trying my best to hang in there to help her. Life is way too complicated. So many things. so many people to deal with. Gathering strength... for myself and for her...

All the best my friend.. you can make it.. I am sure you can. Have faith...

There are so much that I dont know seriously. How How How???

You are still disturbing me emotionally. Prof said " you can be physically fit but not mentally. Everyone has some mental problem." I want to ignore it and focus on my exam. I promise I will revisit it later, after the exam.

I seriously need someone who can study with me, teach me when I dont understand, keep me awake when I fall asleep, ask me questions to test me.ok, back to studies.

I dont know myself sometimes.

Please study hard. You cannot afford to lose this. Just study hard. Avoid all unnecessary things seriously. Just avoid them.

stress

Stress stress stress.

why is he causing so much stress to me? Even swimming doesnt help. They are all very discouraging. All the surgeons. How do you expect me to like surgery??

Employ somebody good please.

I really hope things will be fine. =)

My naughty ear

my naughty ear is still not working after two days. Everything becomes so loud. I can't even talk because my voice becomes louder!!

The inside story is maybe I just don't feel like talking to them,making an excuse just to avoid them. but seriouusly something is wrong with my ear.

Next problem, should I collect payment from him? I hate him for occupying space that he did not pay for, eating food without paying it. I did not intend to pay for you. Go away!! Then again, she paid for the space, she deserves to bring him in.

Where are you when I need you? Instead of studying, I am here grumbling about this and that. Okay back to studies. Study hard, prove yourself!

Sleep

Sigh. I keep falling asleep since yesterday. Not sure what's wrong. Luckily it went away after LUNCH!

Quite productive today I would say. Keep on GOING!!

Actually I was waiting for a message or a call. Like you said it feels weird just waiting for "what I expected" but nothing came. Hmm. I m not really sure about my feeling. How about you? My mum told me to give everyone a chance and give myself a chance. And I am giving myself this chance seriously. But the walls are just too hard to break!!!

Should I stop thinking about this? Or I have already stop thinking. I think I am just ignoring my feelings as usual.

I miss my family. Daddy, please call me! I wanna go dinner with you!!

Oh well, I haven't been taking much vegetables and exercising lately. Ah.. super unhealthy!!! Wanna get healthy back! Please please wwake up early and go swim tomorrow!!

Ok, ok, go study hard!! Otherwise later you have no time to study.

Distress

I just finished my mcr today. I m not quite satisfied with my result. Oh well, gotta work harder..

I m really tired. Do I have to act strong in front of them? I don't know if I have the energy to do so. But then, its my natural instinct to always act strong.I didnt want to act strong and stern and emotionless. I can't just collapse on you. I probably still don't trust you enough.

I am probably not as strong as you think or even I think. I am telling myself to stay strong. I probably need someone to talk to or lean on to show the weaker side of me. Sigh. I am not sure if this world is fair.

Such is life. Life goes on. Stay strong.

Fear. What are you afraid of? People asked me.  Some are scared of living things like lizards, cockroaches, some are afraid of height, some are afraid of the future. If you asked me , I can face anything at all. It's hard to know what I am afraid of. Deep down, emotions are my biggest fear, I think. I don't show it that much as I mentioned above. It's my natural instinct to stay strong and happy on the outside at least. I don't attach to things or people emotionally easily. I restrain myself. Break this wall and you will get the truth. It's very difficult. I know.

You made me think of myself.Reflections.

Stay strong. I will make it.

Things develop unexpectedly

I m still as busy as usual. There's Dr. W's class today. I came back laughing at myself for being ignorant, seriously. How can I not know such easy questions?
Seriously, I don't understand what really happened to me.

Please please go study hard. You cannot afford to fail this year.

Things seem to change unexpectedly. I don't know how to react.

Did I just post this morning?

Did I just post this morning?
I probably really need someone to talk to, and I couldnt find a person that I can trust to or just a person who is free to listen to me.

Probably. I just woke up from a 2 hour nap. It wasn't intended to be two hours. I wanted it short. I woke up , feeling angry and guilty, for sleeping too much, for not studying. It has happened twice.

It's okay. I m going to make it.

Oh yea. I forgot. I saw something scarry that is going to kill me.. I put my tupperware into a microwave to heat my food up. My food was wet and oily in the tupperware, I think its the plastic in the tupperware has just leaked out. Seriously, if I died, this is the cause. Just to document it.

Too many things happened. We can't remember everything and do everything. Yea, I m going to make it. =)

School stuff

I am really really busy but I have just too many thoughts. I need a passage to release my thoughts which is here.

I came home around 3am yesterday from school. Today at this time ,1125pm.. That's just how busy I am. I am not sure if I chose to do that or able to cope with that. I saw her twice studying with friends in school already. I should totally be studying hard.


One more group just joined. Really? Is worth doing this? I doubt this again and again. But I really believe I can do it. I should be studying now. He just told me he want to stay back to do attachment with me. I am not sure what's his purpose. I really don't. Again, I need an answer for that.

Life is just so uncertain.

meeting

Life has been busy. I have been coming back at home at 1 ish, well not from studying but from meeting. I am really scared that I am not able to cope.

Oh well.

Today we met. I m really glad that I have asked another friend along. Otherwise, I think we will be quickly finishing up our meal and leave. Seriously, friends for three years, we have nothing to talk to each other? I don't know whether is it just me, or we both feel the same. I really want to know the answer. Why do I find it so hard to talk to you while I can talk to strangers and other people about anything and everything.


I am scared to tell you the truth. I am afraid that you will look at me differently. Sorry.

busy

I seriously didnt mean to avoid you, I m just busy. Sorry, I m not attending any social events unless you asked me to.

Not talking to you is just a way to protect myself.I cannot let myself get hurt because of you and what you did.

Since I chose to be busy, I have to be committed.

 I hope you understand. Sorry.

study partner

I crave for a study partner, seriously...

chat on facebook

I just finished chatting on facebook. I find this person quite interesting. haha. Hope to know more about him =)

Never fail to excite me

It's a normal morning during the holiday which I just laze around. I woke up early to go to the hospital again.
Sleepy as usual because I slept late last night.

We are supposed to go to the opthalmology department to learn something about the eyes. When we reached there, there was very very little people there. It's closed. To make things worse, there is only ONE patient in the opthalmology ward!!!So, we decided to turn back and go home. However, it was raining heavily.

We have no other place to go so we went to the medical ward. I was so excited my sleepiness went away when I saw a patient with very very prominent veins all over his trunk! SVC obstruction! Oh wow, I thought my medical knowledge left me. I m glad that they didnt.

Hmm,,there is an infectious disease specialist,a Chest Medical officer, internal medicine specialist and his medical officers and house officers there. They all have really different views on this patient who presented with an interesting history -- no symptoms at all except recent shortness of breath ,dry cough and runny nose! oh and he had a virchow's node (strong family hx of gastric ca btw)!

After all of them went off, I talked to the patient. He is a really really  nice man. He seemed quite restless when the doctors' discussion went all over the place.

Oh well, I hope he gets well soon! The medical ward just never fail to excite me!

Last week

Last week.


It was the most eventful week this year. My groupmates and I got scolded by the tutors for many times. I wonder why. Is it really our fault or should we blame the system?

I have been really busy and haven't got the chance to sit down properly to study surgery. I felt really bad but I didnt want to sacrifice too much of my health just to fill up my brain with surgical stuff. I am not sure if I made the right choice. I think I can still cope. Hopefully.


Oh well. It's holiday now.

I did something that I never thought I would do in my entire medical school life. Some people call it love. Some people call it stupid. I bought Craisins for patients who has to " celebrate" their raya in the ward. Have you tried giving random people things? How do you think Santa will feel like? It's not easy at all.  You need courage to give random people free things that you bought with your own money.

I saw a patient with polyarteritis nodosa. She pretended to sleep when me and my friend approach her. oh, poor thing,she must have been clerked by many many students that she is so sick of it. I didnt force her to wake up and talk to me.

I placed the Craisin and a note on the table beside her.
Dear V,

This Craisins is for you. Get well soon.

I didnt put my name on it.

So, instead of sitting down reading the piles of books that I m supposed to read, this is what I have been doing.What do you think? Is this  right or wrong?

OKay, time to start mugging. I hope they get well soon.. everyone in the wards.

complicated

Things are never straight forward. Don't you think so? Everybody has their own motive. Nobody is true. Nobody is simple. Nobody is innocent. These are grown ups life.

Voice

Hey,

your voice is so powerful...it's not loud but it can wake people up! It cheers people up when they are sad.

I feel so tired right now. I wish you can talk to me now. really.

Awkward

IT's always awkward at some point of time.

the magician in my dream

Hey why are you the magician in my dream? I wish you could be closer. I dont want to watch your magic show as an audience with everyone else. Cant you perform just for me?

You are so good, playing tricks with tigers, making things disappear, doing things any audience want you to do. Cant you teach me some? I want to perform wonder too. Is it a question of trust? You said you trust me. I am worried that I cannot be as good as you want me to be. You performed, you showed everyone, but I never get to learn the tricks. Sigh. Its my wishful thinking to learn magic tricks from you. Can you not always appear in my dream? You disrupt my thoughts, my sleep and my everyday life.

Anyway,

Such is life. I am feeling stressful. Why cant I be more capable? I know I am lacking and I need to study. I need to practice. Why? I used to be happy, excited. Now, its just fear and stress. Did I lose my enthusiasm and doing things just to please these people? I dont know.

Mum said I must master it before school starts. I practically do that most of the time nowadays. I have lost my momentum. The previous plan doesn't work. Sigh.